The Heartbreak Over Losing a Friend

There’s no way around it — losing your best friend hurts in places you didn’t know you had.

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Everyone always associates heartbreak over breaking up with a significant other. But what happens when that breakup is with your friend? Or more specifically,  your best friend?

It hurts. It hurts like hell. It may even hurt more than breaking up with a significant other — because you loved this person in a different way. This person was your confidant. The one in all your memories. The person you went to with all news, good or bad. They were the source of your inside jokes. The one you went to that great concert with. The one you ate those great cheeseburgers with. They were your person.

And then, they’re just gone.

Of course, you can have all of these memories with a significant other as well. But a best friend is something else. They may have been there first, they may have been there longer — they were your best friend, the person you never thought you’d lose, no matter what.

And then it happens. Maybe it happened after one big fight that the two of you couldn’t resolve. Maybe it’s been accumulating for a while, and you reached the final straw. Maybe lying was involved. Maybe actions didn’t match words. Maybe you thought you were closer to that person than you actually were. Whatever the reason may be, things ended — and they probably had to end for your own well-being.

It doesn’t feel right now like it was for the best, but deep down, you know that you had no other choice. And I know this, because I’m currently going through it.

And it hurts. It really, really hurts. I heard a song on the radio and I wanted to Snapchat it to my best friend. I heard a story today and I almost picked up my phone to text it to my best friend. I saw something in a store, and I almost bought it for my best friend.

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But my best friend isn’t my best friend anymore. And that’s a really hard thing to remember. And a really hard thing to move past. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll get through this, but right now, it sure doesn’t feel like it. I’ve lost the one person I thought would always be there for me. The person who, for over a year, I went to with everything — big, small, in the middle, it didn’t matter. We spoke daily, even when one of us was out of the country. My best friend knew me better than I knew myself, and vice versa.

That is, up until recently, of course.

Your best friend can break your heart. And you can break your best friend’s heart. What do you do then? What do you do when you’ve tried to rectify things, and you just can’t? Do you just walk away? That seems so much easier said than done, but is it the right decision?

What I do know is that it hurts (have I said that yet?). It really hurts. And you cry. And you’ll see or hear something that reminds you of them and it’ll make your stomach drop. You’ll wonder if you made the right choice. You’ll wonder why your friendship wasn’t enough to last, when you really thought it would.

Yes, you’ll think of all the bad stuff that got you to this point. But you’ll also think of all of the good things. But instead of smiling over them, it stings, because it’s all gone. Because you won’t have any more of those memories. Because your best friend is gone. My go-to person is no longer there. And honestly, I don’t know what to do or where to begin.

Some of you are probably thinking, why can’t you just fix this? I tried, I really did. I wanted my best friend in my life — scratch that, I still want my best friend in my life. More than anyone will ever know. But sometimes, things just can’t be fixed as much as you wish they could be. And as much as you wish you can change things, you just can’t.

But at the end of the day? You’ll still love and care for your best friend, like you always have. That love doesn’t just go away. At least, it hasn’t for me yet. And if it hasn’t for you yet either, that’s okay. You truly cared about this person, and that doesn’t just disappear, even though it would be much easier if it did.

Maybe one day I can look back on all this and see it as a learning experience. But I’m not quite there yet, and if you’re not either, that’s okay. Just know that it is possible to feel heartbreak from losing a friend, especially when that person was your best friend. And if you do hurt, know that it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get it all out and talk about things. It’s all okay, and hopefully, it’s all going to be okay as well.

To my best friend, if you’re reading this, I really wish things didn’t end like they did. I wish things didn’t end at all. I miss you. I love you. And I hope you’re doing well.

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